Brooklyn Fridge

2007-02-22T10:31:00.000-05:00

Aye, what an insane couple of days! So sorry for lack of update.

Here's the latest:

I actually DID did get a call back for the job where I bombed the edit test. But the job would include 2 weekend overnight shifts. That's right, Friday nights and Saturday nights. OVERNIGHT. Ugh! No one told me that during the first interview, I wonder why...

Still, it's a great job, a lot more money, and perhaps worth the total loss of my social life for a year. I'm 70% sure I'm going to get an offer but then again, you never know and I can get fucked at the last minute .

Down to 176.5, good, good. The weight loss is moving at a GLACIAL pace but loss is loss. I would have liked to have gotten down to my 10% goal byMarch 1 but that's not going to happen. Sigh.

I could blame the stressful job stuff but really, it's the subtle things. Still, I've been exercising more. My new goal is 175 by the end of the month!

2007-02-12T14:24:00.000-05:00

So I bit it this morning and weighed myself and of course I gained, 1.5 pounds back up to 178.5. I know, I know, it just goes to show that counting points WORKS and when you're not mindful of what you eat, you (meaning me) overeat. I've learned my lesson. Because...

New goal! I'm trying to get three days off in March to go to Miami for the film festival with my best friend. It would be SO RAD because I will crash with them (no need for hotel room) and Jet Blue flights are still reasonable. I need a break SO BAD, I'm super burned out from work and winter. Also the boyfriend agreed to take 5 days off from work to take me on a road trip to the desert in California (where he went to college). I know, the desert in July! What a great idea! Well, it is because my friend and her husband have a house in Palm Springs so it will be a money saver... and I'll get to drive! Literally, I haven't driven a car in 4 years.

Went to the gym and yoga this weekend, woke up with huge, painful knot in my neck. I'm supposed to go to spin tonight but maybe I'll postpone if the neck doesn't feel better. I love how I'll take any excuse not to go to spin... It's scary hard...

Alll else is well. I'd like to get in the best shape possible before I go to Miami. I'm not looking to be string-bikini thin but I'd like not to feel like Shamu in a sarong. For once.

2007-02-09T07:26:00.000-05:00

I don't want to talk about last night and how we were at my boyfriend's aunt's house and dinner took FOREVER to cook and then when the pasta was almost done, we realized that bugs has infiltrated the pasta box. So then we had to cook more pasta and we didn't eat until 9pm (I've been up since 6am, people and was so hungry I was about to cry). So to tide myself over, I inhaled 20 Mult-grain Wheat Thins, cheese and ginger snaps. Misery! I calculated my points and I'm over, over, over the first time i've ever gone over my FPs so early in the week. And by so much!

If I have to come in to work at 7am next week, I'll seriously cry.

Also, i'm weighing myself on monday, no matter what.

And how about Anna Nicole Smith dying, eh? Weirdly, I was sort of sad.

2007-02-08T15:06:00.000-05:00

UGH! Had the GROSSEST Lean Cuisine for lunch, a breaded fish thing with broccoli and cheese. Horrible, I couldn't recommend it less. And of course I was still starving and ended up eating half a bag of M & Ms. FUCK!!!

It's only Thursday and I only have 11 FPs left.

Grrr. And i've been working these charming 7am to 6pm hours again so I've got no time and energy to get to the gym. Next week, next week, finally a normal schedule.

Grrr. GRRRR!

Tonight, off to the boyfriend's aunt's house for... wait for it... Spaghetti and meat sauce! It's what's for dinner! Super! Swell!

I just need to keep it within 25 points for the next two days. How hard can that be? Very, obviously...

2007-02-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

Heyo. Had a bad night last night, both emotionally and uh, food-ally. Just general grazing at a restaurant, hoovering up my friend's homefries and mac and cheese. And it wasn't even good. My friend was giving me a little "tough love" about my creative writing career or lack there of. And the k-hole that is my actual career.

My friend was like, "Why don't you take some time off?" And I say, "How?" I mean, I need to make money. The benefits of a staff job are many (benefits, paid days off, stability) but the freelance life, albeit scary offers the idea of freedom, more money...

This week is going too slow. I just want to hide under my desk and eat an entire pizza. Which I won't do, of course. I'll eat something healthy, of course. Healthy-ish.

Bahhhhhh...

2007-02-06T08:22:00.000-05:00

Good news: Those jeans? The size 32 Sevens that I got on sale at Barneys that got so tight on me that the zipper finally broke and I had to take them in to get fixed? They fit! Huzzah!

Bad news: I had a job interview yesterday that went baaaaaadly yesterday. I'm still carrying around a bucket of shame because I BOMBED the edit test. Why did I need to take an editing test? It wasn't even a real editing job! Shit! It took me FOREVER to get to the interview in zero degree weather in my stupid stockings and I nearly froze. Hurrumph.

Haven't weighed myself this week, sort of "forgot." I'm just going to put in the same weight as last week, 177. I don't think I gained or lost since.

Really, REALLY pleased with the weight loss. It's been slow but I no longer feel like I'm dieting anymore. Still, when I get down to my 10% goal, 173, I'm going to have to pay a lot more attention to my FPs if I want to get down to my real goal weight.

Got some creative stuff happening, trying to get my self-esteem together to finish some projects. You know, so I don't feel like I'm wasting my life and stuff.

2007-02-01T11:02:00.000-05:00

Back from the dead... meaning the flu... I've been in bed since Saturday and today I actually made it back to work. For better or worse...

Down to 177lbs... but I' m too ill to care. More later.

2007-01-25T08:22:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to go to Chipotle with my pal / coworker and then I looked at...

This!!!

(Just click on the options and then press calculate. Warning: Chipotle lovers and those who wish to stay in denial, don't click.)

Anyway, I can't vouch for it's accuracy but it totally scared the crizz out of me. I think I'll find something else... sigh.

Another day coming in at 7am. It is so hard to get up this early. How do people do it? Morning people are a mystery to me. My diet has been so fucked this week. I'm still have 14 FPs left for the week but I feel like crap and I just want to eat a pizza and collapse in a greasy pile under my desk. But I won't. My desk is too small to fit under comfortably anyway.

I'm finally realizing that the boyfriend cannot commit to picking out furniture so I looked on CraigsList and found these FF (that's fucking fabulous) shelves from Design Within Reach (or Design Out of Reach, ha.) They're much better looking in real life and I bought it in orange. This nice couple was selling them for $120, cheaper than in the store. Still expensive though... oh well. This overtime has to go somewhere.

I'm not hungry. Don't think about food. I'm not hungry. Don't think about food.

2007-01-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

I'm getting sick but I know it's no excuse to eat the way I did yesterday. But what the hell?! Working from 7am until 9:30 pm makes it nearly impossible to stay within one's point range, I'm sorry. Maybe some people can do it but I can't... I'm HOPING and PRAYING this project ends by Friday because frankly, I just can't stand it... I went 11 points over, I think, who knows? The shitty part was that I didn't splurge on anything! It was all healthy food! Fat free yogurt, soup, salad, half a chicken sandwich (which could have been healthier, actually)...

I'm bitching but it's mostly because I feel awful and i have another late night ahead of me. Thank goodness I thought ahead and told my boss I wouldn't be in until 9:30 am today. The work on our project (which is TV related) doesn't even begin until 4:30 EST?! I'm going to be sitting here, nodding off into my coffee until then. Thank God I slept those few extra hours...

Okay. Whining done. This will be the last week of misery and sorrow. Next week will be better.

Time to eat my oatmeal and weep. I'm all achy and hurty and whiny.

2007-01-22T07:56:00.000-05:00

Ugh, ate too much last night (T made beans and rice and of my pal brought over amazing chocolates ) and weighed in at 179, which means, up 1lb. I must get out of this stupid K-hole. I know that my awful work schedule is contributing to this but I vow, VOW to get down to 175 by mid-Feb. I mean 14, 15lbs is a big loss and I look much better. But I need to have more discipline...

I mean, Dunkin' Donuts will always taste the same. I don't need to eat half of three of them whenever someone brings them into the office. I am vowing to save my flex points for only the most special of junk foods, which is what I did in the beginning and probably why the weight came off so fast.

Good football game last night, although the boyfriend was utterly distrought to see his Pats lose... a shame. His loathing of Payton Manning is both weird and hilarious.

Another long, painful week. I've been fighting a cold for months and I just know that once my schedule normals out, I'm going to get sick. Meanwhile, I just have to:

1) Make it through this week without eating stupid, useless garbage.
2) Get SLEEP!
3) Try to walk if I can't work out.

Also of frustrating note: our bathroom ceiling is leaking. Le whimper! Landlords, don't be slumlords! Not now!

FK

2007-01-17T16:44:00.000-05:00

Working 7-9 is no way to make a living, even with overtime. Although the overtime helps. With regret, I had to turn down a freelance assignment for a job I reeeeeally want because my present job is so stressy. It was for the best but it hurt, you know.

Anyway. Not eating so great this week but trying my best to keep it in check and NOT EAT LATE, which I think helps.

More later... this day is crayzy...

2007-01-16T09:09:00.000-05:00

Yay! I'm down to 178! 15 lbs on the dot! Woo-hoo! Only 5 lbs until 10 percent goal and then I'm more than halfway there!

I was very good on plan this weekend. This week knocked me down energy wise (hello 60 hr work week!) so I walked a lot and slept a lot. I took my mother to a fancy-schmancy lunch at Perry Street for her birthday. The portions were tiny but the food was extraordinary. We had a really nice time and my boyfriend showed up and we all talked about the "religious issue." It went as well as it could go, which made me happy. Whew.

Last night, I had dinner at my boyfriend's aunt's house and she served chestnut paste for dessert. I didn't like it but I ate it anyway because it was this special delicacy from Switzerland. I assumed that it was similar to marzipan (fatty nut paste and sugar) and .25 cup of it was 7.5 points! What a fucking waste! Ugh.

I must learn to stop eating things that I don't like.

Anyway. It's nice to have a 4 day week, although I'm pretty sure that today is going to be a loooong one.

I don't like setting weight goals for myself but it would be nice to be at 173 by, say, Valentine's Day. It would be cool to celebrate the 20 lb mark with some sexy lingerie... :)

2007-01-09T17:13:00.000-05:00

It's 5:12pm, I'm going to be here for at least another 4 hours. I haven't eaten dinner yet. I have 4 points left. And there's a 5 pound, yes a 5 pound bag of M & Ms in my boss's office. Le whimper!

These looooong workdays are making me feel so inert. It's like my butt is molding to the shape of my faux-Aeron chair. I'm not terribly hungry because I'm not expending any calories. Just type, type, type.

Feeling pretty okay, though. Realizing that I've been off my Zoloft for a month and I'm doing okay. I really believe that WW has helped with that... now that I have a plan that's working (albeit sloooooooowly), I'm not feeling so hopeless. Although I've been fat and depressed and skinny and suicidal, it's nice to be chubby and mildly optimistic.

2007-01-08T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I lost 2 lbs this week. The good news is that I'm chipping away at the chubbage I put on over the holidays (only 1lb left). The bad news is that I've been hovering between 178 and 181 for the last month. Blah. Now I'm 179.3. I'd like to get down to 175 by the end of February, which sounds totally attainable but I'm not going to have much time to work out because...

I'm working from 7am - 9pm. Yes, that will be my schedule for the next 2 or 3 weeks. This makes WW hard. I'm taking a friend's advice and eating smallish meals all day.

Today's menu:

WW muffin: 3 pts
Cinnamon oatmeal: 3 points
roast beef sandwich: 6 points
string cheese: 2 pts

Hopefully this will keep me going until dinner.

What an awful weekend. A death in my boyfriend's family and drama in mine. I need a serious vacation from all things family.

2007-01-04T14:44:00.000-05:00

Well, there may indeed be a direct correlation between my binging over the holidays and lack of update. I gained 2.5 lbs over the holidays which is not so much in reality but SEEMS like a lot when I feel like I've really worked to lose it. Hmmph.

Also, quitting smoking for good. I was down to 2 or 3 a night (definitely a help with those nighttime snacking urges) but the boyfriend wants to quit and I've got to get on the helpful train since being undermined is no fun. I know since he totally undermined me the last two times I tried to quit.

Work is getting very intense. Not as much time to work out, which concerns me. Also WW online tools, the new ones, keep crashing my computer and the old ones are a little slow.

Whine, whine.

I'd really like to get down to 177 by the end of the month.

I'm also going to keep updating and face the music of my weight gain...

That's all,
FK

2006-12-20T12:02:00.000-05:00

The good news? I made it through a spinning class last night (7 APs for 50 minutes!) and while I nearly died, I soldiered through. The bad news? My butt is so sore. Like I can barely sit, sore. My advice to anyone to decides to take a spin class? STRETCH before AND after, both arms AND legs. And take Advil and a hot, hot shower right after. I'm only slightly crippled today because I took the aforementioned precautions.

It was a really small class. Two people. Which was cool but also weird. I was really struggling toward the end but when it was over, I felt great. And when I looked down, I thought, holy shit, my legs are getting buff! Which is a rare thing for me to feel. So I am going to be working spin class into my exercise rotation from now on, 2 times a week, at most. The other two will be elliptical and perhaps a yoga class, if I'm feeling nasty.

But eating myself into a sickhole and then trying to curb the damage at the gym is not a great idea. When the fuck are the holidays over???

And guess who got a wad of Ghiradelli chocolate and a .25 lb chocolate Santa from their Secret Snowflake? SIgh. I'm totally giving it to my therapist tonight... I must dispose of the chocolate Santa in some way. It's sort of creeping me out, the way it's staring at me...

2006-12-19T10:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry for lack of update! Work has been HECTIC! I got the freelance gig (yay!) but my chances of getting the promotion... unlikely... oh well. You've got to try...

Weight loss is still coming, just sloooower. It's the holidays, what the hell. I'm down to 178.5, that's 14.5 lbs. It would be nice to make it a solid 15 pounds by New Years but I'm really not going to bully myself with numbers.

I joined a great gym, which has upped my motivation. It's perfect: not too crowded, not tooooo expensive (but not cheap either), not too overwhelming. Now if only I had more time to go this week.

I did 40 minutes on the elliptical last night and it was fucking hard. According to WW, that's only 2 APs but I say "unbloody likely!" Blah blah. Spent too much on "Secret Snowflake" for work. SS is a 3-day affair in our office. My SS is a lucky girl: $10 rollerball of Stella McCartney perfume, lotion and bodywash gift set from Origins, $18 and a lipgloss, nailpolish and manicure. All together, under $50 but still, give me a break. I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a packet of Post-Its with my SS luck. I'm so into the holiday spirit, as you can see.

The good news is that I got a raise and a bonus this year. Nice. I still need to supplement my income (like majorly) but more money is nice...

Right now i'm sitting at the receptionist's desk for another 30 minutes. She's out sick and there's no one to cover for her. I've already dropped two calls. Oops! My reception skills are tres rusty.

That's all. My pal's film is going to Slamdance this year and I'm going to watch the final edit tonight. Exciting!

I need a haircut. Maybe on Friday...

2006-12-11T18:20:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Felled by German chocolate cake... 10 points of it. Motherfucker!

Stupid work parties. And I love how when it's all new and and freshly cut, icing intact, I can resist. But when it's been sitting out for three hours, with people's grubby fingers in it, then I crack...

My tummy hurts.

2006-12-11T09:32:00.000-05:00

Well. Talk about stress. In the last four days, I've taken writing test for a promotion (my chances are slim, but I've got to try!), another writing test for a freelancer contract (much-needed extra money!), went to a party with my ex (it went fine, no awkwardness) and SAW MY FATHER.

It went... okay. Every month I go out to see my grandma in the nursing home with my mom, who goes every day. I had a feeling my dad was going to make an appearance. When i saw I felt... strange. Like, this is the person who's been a source of so much anguish and torment. And I'm sort of happy to see him. I think.

Anyway, the kicker is, I think the fact that I'm 13lbs thinner made him happier to see me. Some things never change. Ugh. My mom and I had a nice time though. We had lunch and a really nice talk. Baby steps.

Actually, 13.5 lbs. Down to 179.5 this week. I haven't been going to yoga these last two weeks and it really shows up on the scale. Still losing, but a lot slower. I need to get paid SOON!

Anyhoo...

FK

2006-12-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry for lack of update. Work has been CRAZY (possible but unlikely promotion, possible but unlikely freelance gig) a lot of hustlin' and running around.

Last night was our office Christmas party. You know, it's really hard to tell how much damage you're doing when you're eating little weird food. Like tuna tartare on a teeny cracker? Mini cod pizzas? Mini chicken satays? Wee crab cakes the size of marbles? I just chalked the whole night up to 16 points... Quite a dent in my FPs.

I really need to get back to the gym...

All is well. Happy it's the weekend. Starting to feel a little better in my clothes, not so much like a human dirigible.

More soon.

xoxo,
FK

2006-12-05T13:04:00.000-05:00

It's colder than a witch's titty out there.

This morning I nearly stabbed a man who was standing a foot from me and sneezed without covering his mouth. Murderous rage... I've also been a liiiiittle moody lately. Very irritable and prone to snap. I've stopped taking Zoloft so I'm a little nervous. I've been on SSRIs (Effexor and then Zoloft) since I had a bit of nervous breakdown in gradute school and now I want off. Now that i'm off, I'm starting to feel not so hot. But I want to be drug free...

I ate an entire box of Trader Joe's Very Chocolate-y Mini Merengues last night. Not smart. Luckily they're only sugar so it was only 8 points of damage but oh, my teeth...

I do recommend the Trader Joe's Roasted Pepper Chili soup in a container. I made it with .5 cup of corn. Very good!

I'm also recanting my affections for Tofu Shirataki noodles. I made a meal with them that almost made my stomach leap from my mouth in horror.

More to write but have to run into a meeting now...

2006-12-01T09:37:00.000-05:00

The story of my favorite jeans... sit back and I will tell you a tale...

I bought them in 2001 at Variazoni, this weird mall-type boutique that sometimes has supercute stuff and sometimes has stuff that looks like it fell off a truck. I was probably on one of my weight declines because when I tried them on, they fit perfectly.

I knew they were my dream jeans. The perfect shade of blue, below the belly-button in front, a little higher in the back (no thong showing for me!), juuuuust the right amount of stretch to get through puffy days and the perfect length. I didn't have to shorten them. They were a 32 that made me look like I was wearing a 29. The downside? They weren't cheap. But when I looked at my booty in them, I slapped down my weary credit card. Red Engine Jeans? $135. A hot ass? Priceless.

These jeans have gone through a lot of wear and tear over the years. During my oblivious weight gain, I wore huge holes in the inner thighs. Classy. I got them repaired. I wore them when my boyfriend and I went to Northern Cali for a wedding. I thought I was going to get liver gangrene because they were cutting so deeply into my midsection.

I felt bad about myself. These jeans were my Traveling Pants (a movie I have not seen). They were sexily slouchy in my 150's, perfectly fitting in my 160's, skin tight and sexy in my 170's... you get my meaning. When I hit 193, the jeans seemed to whimper. You are testing the magic, they seemed to say, in the silent way that denim communicates. Lose some weight or give me to a more worthy owner.

So I'm wearing them today. And they are still tight. Tight tight. But less tight. No longer the kind of tight that leads to organ failure. But still suck in when I button and zip tight.

I've spent countless $$ on designer jeans that I haven't liked half as much: Sevens (the-popular- girl-who-used-to-snub-you-but-now-wants-to-be-your-friend-because-you've-lost-weight-and-have-a-credit-card of jeans), James, Joe's, Blue Cult (Fine, I bought them at Filene's) and Diesels. And they've all been all right. I mean, they're all way too long, need to be hemmed, and show butt crack when I bend over. And 80% of them are STILL too tight for me to even dare trying them on.

I missed you, Red Engine Jeans. I can't wait to get to my 10% goal so I can look smokin' in them again.

Anyhoo.

Speaking of fat asses, I've got a wedding tonight and I'm going to have to load up on Tofu Shirataki noodle something beforehand if I'm going to make it through the night.

The food is probably going to be delish, so I'm going to have 2 bites of everything and no cake. Wedding cake is never as good as it looks. And my boyfriend isn't going to know anyone so we'll only be there for a few hours...

Blah, blah, blah. I REALLY need to do laundry. Like during finals week in college when you're wearing that same hooded sweatshirt with the BBQ sauce stain on it for two weeks, need to do laundry. Our apartment smells like a hamper.

Apropos of nothing, I met up with my pal for a drink last night and had a vodka and soda. Can it really be 2.5 points? I measured for 1.5 oz vodka...

2006-11-30T08:27:00.000-05:00

So those Tofu Shirataki noodles had a lot to live up to last night. I'd been up since 6am and didn't get home until 9pm. And I was hungry.

And my review is...

Not too bad, actually!

Okay. I bought the Tofu Shirataki Fettucini. They are definitely packaged in a fishy broth so open carefully unless you want to get splashed with shrimp liquid. (Hint: you don't.)

I dumped them straight into a colander and rinsed them for a bit. I was pleased to note that the fish smell soon vanished. Whew. Also, it looked like a little less than 1.5 cups of pasta. Not that it matters since its so ridiculously low in calories.

Instead of microwaving them (my microwave is not plugged in at the moment) I tossed them in boiling water for around 2 minutes. I think this might soften them up more than microwaving... but I have no proof of this. I might try salting the water next time. You know, to see if it adds more flavor and for the hell of it.

Anyhoo, I made sort of a pasta salad with it. Don't be grossed out. I have weird tastes.

After taking the pasta out of the pot I tossed it with:

1 Laughing Cow Light Swiss
2 slices smoked turkey, diced
1 dollop of Dijonnaise.
A healthy dash of salt and pepper.

It was pretty good! Like a turkey sandwich on pasta. The noodles are bit tougher than regular pasta. Maybe three minutes in boiling water next time.

I ate a whole package (40 calories, supposedly) and I was actually pretty full! Although I had room for dessert, of course. But the whole meal was a ridiculous 2 points (I always round up).

I think these noodles would work best stir-fried in a wok with veggies and chicken, in soups and in cheesy sauces. I agree with Hungry-Girl, who I certainly do not always agree with, taste-wise, (too much fat-free, sugar-free for me... I like a little of the real thing rather than a lot of artificial but that's just me) that these noodles might not go best with all tomato sauces. Although she has a recipe for noodles in fake meat sauce that I'm in a hurry not to try.

Here are some recipes to check out. I'm buying the boyfriend a wok for Chrismanukkah, so I'm into the pan fried noodles...

In short, I would absolutely buy them again. I would not eat them every night, but in a pinch, when you're hungry and only have three friggin' points to spend on dinner? Ideal.

2006-11-29T11:53:00.000-05:00

I was scarfing down my Amy's Complete Meals Enchilada Dinner (for lunch, 7 points) when I truly realized how shitty my work microwave is. There's nothing more vile than biting into the icy cold center of an enchilada. Shuddddder.

Last night, I had a slice of pizza. It was so good and I really had to run for the door in order not to order another. Then I ate oh, about 26 Trader Joe's mini-merengues (4 points, oh my teeth!) and went to bad. At 7:30pm. My boyfriend tried to wake me but apparently I growled at him. Don't wake a tired lady.

Getting up at 6am does NOT agree with me.

Also, my H & M sweater already has a hole it the sleeve. Curses!

Tonight I experiment with the infamous Tofu Shirataki noodles. I've been curious about them for a while and I finally located them at Whole Foods (and what a fucking ordeal THAT was). They were 2 for $3.99, not so bad, I guess. They are definitely gross-ish in the package - cold and slimy. I'm going to try them tonight with a Garlic and Herb Laughing cow, salt and pepper and some herbs.

2 point pasta with cheese sauce? It must be too good to be true.

Will report in.

2006-11-28T12:22:00.000-05:00

Ugh. So it's holiday time, meaning all of the vendors who my company works with sends boxes of chocolate. And caramel popcorn. And various other junk foods. I just scarfed down two chocolates filled with the sweetest, grittiest, nastiest goo. But I guess I was craving the sweet because I sure as hell didn't spit it out.

What a waste of 3.5 points.

Here's what's weird. I've lost 12 pounds in about 2 months. I still have a lot to go but my jeans are baggier, my cheekbones are making an appearance and my arms are definitely thinner. So why haven't I had any comments? Well, I have had some from those who know I'm on WW. But coworkers? Nada... Which makes me doubt that I look any better at all... Which I know is stoopid.

This morning was a nightmare. The boyfriend shut off the alarm and I totally overslept. I sprayed some perfume on a shirt that needs laundering, and raced to work. I caught the train which would have put me at work juuuuuuuust on time, when the train stopped in the tunnel for 15 minutes. Then my bus didn't come so I had to blow $5 on a cab. Which is not so much except that I've got $15 to last me though til tomorrow. I just refuse to borrow money from my boyfriend.

I'm zonked. Waking up at 6:15am (well, 6:45am today, oops) is not for me. Especially since i'm ready to eat lunch at 10am!

Must wake up. Must be productive... I will not go over my points for the day... But I will have a slice of pizza tonight...

2006-11-27T16:30:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving dinner? 100 points. Skipping Thanksgiving and spending a kickass weekend in Toronto with friends? Priceless.

Canada was amazing. My pal's apartment is SUPERcute, adorably decorated (of course, since she is a fashion/beauty editor) . Her mom made this dinner that made me want to burst into tears of joy. Baked pasta with cheese and breadcrumbs, potato flan with sautéed mushrooms, gruyere and onion, and homemade Italian cheesecake. I’d saved all my extra points for the weekend so everything was so good and I tried hard not to overdo it. Still I pushed my FPs to the limit and went over that by four. Oy!

And of course, we shopped. I came to Toronto with a mission: to find comfortable, black boots with a bit a of heel. And it took many miles of walking but I found them. They weren’t cheap, as you can see (I am literally on frozen food and turkey sandwiches and oatmeal until Wednesday) but they are waterproof, lined, (I am wearing them with the fuzzy lining facing in) and very leg flattering. I must have walked for over 1.5 hours, burning much needed APs!

I also dorked out and went to The Beguiling, a comic store mecca. I wanted to stay for hours but my pal's eyes were glazing over. I refused to let my secret shameful love of comix get in the way of my joy. And SO WORTH IT because I found this! Treasure! And sold out on their webiste. I paid $50 Canadian, a bargain for such a piece of artwork!

I HEART Julie Doucet!

Since my pal is a beauty editor, she scored us free facials. But before you get too jealous, my face totally broke out in tiny hives afterward. I also got a nice eye liner and a lecture from a makeup artist, ordering me to only wear navy blue mascara. Those crazy Canadians.

The best part was my pal's friends. They were so fucking awesome I nearly cried. All around 30, only a few married, mostly single. It was so nice to spend time with a group of girls where not a single person brought up weddings (except to talk about disasters). They were all so smart and funny and self-effacing. And gorgeous! And they were all having trouble meeting guys. Ridiculous. I think I drunkenly invited them all to come stay with me when they visit New York.
All in all, I was very happy to get away for the weekend. My aunt gave me a gross guilt trip on the phone (which is another story) and my father, of course, didn’t pick up the phone to say happy holidays. Nothing new.

My boyfriend stayed home and entertained his college friends, watched football and made all the kinds of goumet foods that make me ill (his friend brought rabbit and quail. Gamey von Yuckitude.) It was nice to have a bit of time away in general. Due to the horrible stress of this year, he and I haven’t been apart in months. It was nice to be back but nice to be away. Which is good.

And when I weighed myself this morning and I was stunned that I managed to lose 1.5 pounds. I'm down to 181. At first I thought it was a miracle (see post below) but then I thought about it. I had one serving of the pasta, half of the potato plan and a small piece of Italian cheesecake. I limited my booze intake and didn't snack.

I feel so good right now. I hope it lasts and lasts.

2006-11-27T14:59:00.000-05:00

Down 1.5 pounds. It's a pre-Hannukkah miracle.

More later...

2006-11-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

You know what's hard? Going out for yummy Mexican food. I only ate 10 tortilla chips, 1/4 of my spinich and tofu (and cheese) appetizer, left a liiiiiiittle bit of my black bean burrito over, had only a tsp of sour cream, no guacomole and a two tbs of flan. And I had sangria. Wait, that sounds like a lot. I didn't feel like a lot when I was eating it...

Anyhoo, I estimated the meal to be @ 16 points. Ouch. Had to use 10 flex points. Not a disaster. But still nerve wracking. Next time I go out for yummy Mexican? NO CHIPS, NO APPETIZER, AND NO DESSERT! And then I'll get to finish and enjoy the whole entire entree without worrying so much.

So I'm down to 25 flexpoints for the week. I vow to stick to my 24 points today and tomorrow.

I also went to Trader Joe's and tried their meatless meatballs. They were yummy in tomato sauce and tasted sort of like eggplant parm. I think they are 2.5 points per serving, so it's Spaghetti with Meatless Meatballs for dinner tonight! Yummmm...

But here's the thing. I'm leaving tomorrow night for Toronto to visit my beauty editor/fashion pal. I am VERY worried about sticking to WW without having my computer in front of me. Which is why I'm going to a WW center to buy one of these things. I'm a little worried what my friend will say when she sees me (she's sort of too fabulous for words and since she's Italian, probably thinks WW is sort of gauche and American. ) Yes, I know I shouldn't care. Still, it would be nice not to have to talk about it.

This is the first Thanksgiving I've ever skipped out on. I'm not particularly welcome at home since my father won't speak to me and the idea of spending the holiday with the boyfriend's family makes me too sad.

So screw you, Thanksgiving. I'll miss the turkey, the stuffing, the sweet potaters, cranberry sauce and apple pie. But I'll be in Toronto getting a comped facial and eating yummy homeade Italian food... which I'm also a little nervous about... sigh. I shall do my best.

Sigh, I can't lie. No matter how much fun I'm going to have in Toronto, missing out on Thanksgiving makes me a little sad.

Hope for 2007.

Anyhoo, enjoy your Thanksgiving everyone!

My advice? Stay away from anything with visible lard. You might think you want it but just tell yourself, "I can have lard any day of the year. I do not have to give thanks for lard."

oxoxoxo,
FK

2006-11-21T08:53:00.000-05:00

Nothing screws up my eating more than the days that I have to be at work at 7am. I eat my Lower Sugar Oatmeal (2 pts), sip my coffee with skim milk (.5 pts) and an hour later, I'm starving again. So I have a snack (100 calorie Goldfish pack, 2 pts). Then I'm hungry by eleven, which is way too early for lunch.

So my pal MN is taking me out to Blockheads for Mexican food tonight. They're on the "healthier end" of Mexican food but it's going to be tough to keep the meal under 10 points. Which means I've got to eat a low point lunch. Which makes me wanna cry because, see first paragraph.

I went to great yoga class last night. It was a lot of fun but we practiced handstands (practice, being the word here) so my arms are sore, sore, sore.

This morning has been one headache after another. Which makes me want to eat more. Again, see first paragraph.

Zzzzzzzzzz........ More crack, I mean coffee...

2006-11-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

Whoa. I was expecting to stay the same or gain a .5 lb since I'm finishing up my lady-time, I ate my FACE off on Saturday night (stuffed grape leaves, spanakopita, pistachios, oh my) and I didn't work out all that much this week.

But when I stepped on the scale, I was stunned. I'm down another 2 pounds.

10.5 lbs down. 29lbs to go.

10 lbs is a lot. But I don't really feel like I look that different. I think I'll probably always feel like a fatty. I wonder...

Interestingly, I bought a new scale yesterday. My old one still works, barely. You have to step on it three times to get a consistent reading. It's cracked down the middle and has two dirty footprints worn into it. And it makes me feel like a failure before I even step on it. My mother bought me the scale when I was 15. I've schlepped that stupid piece of shit through two dorm rooms, off campus housing, my apartment in Manhattan and then to Brooklyn.

I'm tossing it and starting again with a scale that I bought for myself, one that represents something positive instead of something gross and negative.

That's about it. I've been at work since 6:45am and I'm hungry. When the hell is lunch already?

2006-11-16T09:59:00.000-05:00

Another tough night. I'm trying to really conserve the FlexPoints for only the most delightful and delicious but last night, I said fuck it and had a 2 point pudding and giant low-fat chocolate cookie for another 2 points. Not terrible, splurge-wise, but not thrilling either.

Haven't worked out all week, again, not thrilled.

I'm taking tomorrow off of work, so until then, it's work, work, work...

Not much to report. Thinking of switching from Yaz to Yasmin, birth control-wise. Yaz is not covered by my insurance and I don't know how much I like it... It's nice to have huge tits but if it hurts to walk against a light breeze, then what's the point?

Tonight, a glass of wine with my two gal pals and then home for sleep. And tomorrow? I sleep IN!

And what the hell is up with this weather? 68 degrees in late November? Shudder...

xoxox,
FK

2006-11-15T09:52:00.000-05:00

Big doings here in TV-land, where I work. People are running around, tearing out their hair. Things are pretty calm for me right now but anxiety is infectious...

Anyway.

Last night I had a slice of pizza... and it was the most delicious thing I've ever had. The gooey cheese, the crunch-ety crust, the sweet tomato sauce. I literally tore the slice into 10 pieces to make it last, which is sort of pathetic. But SO good. Can a large slice of New York pizza really be only 6 points? It seems somewhat low. Any insight?

It's Shecky's Beauty Week in NY and LA, meaning beauty bargains for me! I got an excellent pedicure and sort of uncomfortable shoulder rub for $25! True, I have a huge tip but still. I might get one of those hair glazes as well, while the prices are low. Those are hard to fuck up, right?

That's about it. I wanted to stay up late and watch Prime Suspect 7 on PBS but I fell asleep and missed the first .5 hour. Shit! I hope they re-run it soon, dammit. I heart Detective Superintendent Jane Tennison. What is with PBS? They re-run the same episodes of boring crap and then hold back on the juicy BBC goods.

I need cable. I can't afford cable. Such is life.

2006-11-14T10:09:00.000-05:00

Arg, I keep accidentally deleting my Fat Fighter Web Ring code. How the heck am I supposed to be part of the community if I keep erasing the, uh, thing?

Last night was tough. Haven't had a hungry night in a while. You know when no matter what you eat, you're STARVING. My boyfriend said that if I bought the groceries, he'd cook a yummy dinner, which sounded great, except by the time he got home, I was hallucinating with hunger and had sorta grazed a bit (.5 a chocolate Vitamuffin, 1 point, three slices of turkey, 1.5 points). Not a big deal but by the time dinner was over, I was four points over for the day. Again, not a big deal, that's what the Flexipoints are there for. But hungry nights suck because it's the only time I actually feel deprived, you know?

Dinner was good though. Farfalle with tomato and tuna. A 10 pt dinner to be sure but a good solid one. Not sure why I was hungry after. All I knew was the herbal tea wasn't going to cut it. But I made it through...

This morning was awful, commute-wise. Suspended service on the L-train, meaning I had to wait 30 minutes for the train and then I stood on the train for 15 more minutes with someone's bag stabbing me in the back. Then waiting for the bus. But I made it.

And my coworker, the one that encouraged me to get back on WW after my failure on it last year, commented on how "svelte" I looked. Kind words but it's true, I do look a lot less puffy.

Tonight, I get a pedicure. My feet scary...

Also, check out my review of SmartOne's Penne Pollo on today's Heat Eat Review!

2006-11-13T09:45:00.000-05:00

Down 2.2 pounds this week! Makes me think that last week's gain was probably the result of some sort of puffiness or something. Still, excellent news.

This weekend was pretty good. Dinner with the boyfriend on Friday, karaoke party on Saturday (I sang Rod Stewart's "Maggie May"), two days in a row of yoga at my favorite yoga place. Which brings me to my review of my attempted first Bikram Yoga class at Bikram Yoga in Williamsburg...

6:15pm - I show up early to sign forms indicating that if I drop dead, it is not the yoga studio's fault. Okay. The waiting room is warm, about 80 degrees. It doesn't seem so bad. I shell out $20 for 2 classes, money I really shouldn't be spending. I change into my tank top and shorts.

6:25pm - I enter the hot yoga studio. It's about 95 degrees. And carpeted. There are mirrors, horrifying mirrors. The room smells vile in a familiar way. I figure it out quickly: 40% chlorine, 50% feet, 10% bacterium. Like the changing room adjacent to a hotel pool for very old people. In Florida. In August. Shudder.

There are women in bikinis. There is a man in a Speedo. Oddly, there is a man with a lot of chest hair and a huge gut. He sweats like a fountain at the mall.

6:30pm - The class begins. The teacher says that "dizziness, light-headed-ness and nausea" are "perfectly normal." Okay. I am one of the only new people. I've positioned myself by the door in case I need to make a quick escape. We begin our first stretches. It doesn't seem so bad. Then, the teacher turns on the heat. I am directly in front of the heater. The temperature rises to over 100 degrees. I begin to sweat, for real.

6:45pm - It's hot. Stupid hot. The spiritual aspect of yoga, what I usually find incredibly irritating is sadly missing. It's just a bunch of sweating overachievers doing random poses. There's none of the comforting, "If you can't touch your toes, touch your knees. If you can touch your knees, touch your nose." If you can't do the poses you are shit out of luck. I am shit out of luck.

7pm - I am feel dizzy and nauseous, as predicted. I drink some water and I am reprimanded. "We don't drink until after Eagle Pose," the teacher says. Fuck you.

7:15pm - I am sweating. I am nauseated. I am dizzy. I feel faint. I hate myself and everyone around me. Why do people do this to themselves? Are they REALLY getting a better workout than, say, a person doing situps in a sauna? My eyeballs are sweating.

7:20pm - I quit. This is not fun. It sucks. I roll up my mat and leave. I nearly faint in the changing room (although I am pretty prone to fainting, probably not the best person to have tried Bikram Yoga in the first place.) When I am dressed, I attempt to leave the yoga studio. I am locked in from the inside. Is this a fire hazard?

7:30pm - I am still locked in. I am afriad to interrupt the class. Whimper. I call my boyfriend and tell him that I am trapped. I call my other friends. Personal low of the week...

7:45pm - I read a book. In the dark. It's still really hot. Why won't someone let me out? I could steal all the SmartWater from the fridge...

8pm - The teacher pokes her head out and asks me if I'm okay. I beg her to let me out. She complies and I am sprung. I feel like puking for the rest of the night. But I manage to eat Thai food anyway.

Viva me!

So I went back to regular yoga. I need to figure out my gym situation. My company has changed owners so I can't get my gym discount until the new year. Yoga is expensive and I think I need something else to mix it up with.

Last night, we had people over for football. We cleaned the apartment, we made a WW version of tzatziki (meh) and the boyfriend made Sweet Potato and Peanut Butter soup, which is like the most delicious baby food. I resisted drinking and treated myself to a fat-free chocolate pudding instead. I know what I like...

2006-11-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about my sudden dedication to getting my weight under control. Why now? In September, I was hoovering down a half pound of pasta every other night and eating two bags of peanut M & Ms a day. I've been eating my way into my present fatty suit for the last 2.5 years.

What changed?

After much thought, I think I figured it out. And it's so corny, I kind of can't believe it. It's something that a first year psych student could have figured out. And something that I'm sure my therapist has pointed out. A cocker spaniel could have communicated it to me with a crayon and a borrowed opposable digit. But here goes:

Since my dad isn't really a part of my life now, he's no longer a factor in what I eat. Which sounds absurd, right? But it's true, every time I would stuff a chocolate chip cookie into my face, I was saying, "take that, Dad! You can't control me! I'm not going to be a slave to your anorexic, food obsessed way of thinking! I can eat whatever I want! I can eat pizza! I can put cream in my coffee! I can eat cake! And bacon! And eggs! And potatoes and burgers and french fries! Ha!" I could feel his rage and disgust but I'd drown it in diet soda and melted cheese.

And everytime I went to the gym, ever since junior high, I'd feel this overwhelming sadness and rejection. I had to do at least 40 minutes or my father would disapprove from afar. I used to go the gym because it would make my father proud, so we could have something in common. When I didn't go, it became about a lot more than skipping a work out. It was letting my father down. And he would despise me.

And for as long as I can remember, I've been rebelling. Gaining weight and when he screamed and yelled and threatened me, losing it. 20 lbs one year. 10 the next. My parents even cried when they saw me once because I was so heavy.

Sick irony: I was ten pounds less than I am now. I was a size 12.

Which brings me to the last 2.5 years. Dating someone he didn't approve of. Moving out of my parent-approved apartment to (gasp) Brooklyn. Gaining 35 lbs. The ultimate rebellion. And finally, he became too disgusted with me. He didn't like the way I looked and he didn't like the way I lived my life. And he did turn his back on me. Which was my biggest fear. And it hurt like a motherfucker.

So I ate to get back at him. I ate with a vengeance. I ate junk food, big sandwiches, chocolate bars, nachos, butter, cookies, candy... With every bite, I was saying, "Fuck you, dad."

But then...

I guess it clicked about a month ago, around my 29th birthday. Hurting myself isn't going to make my father come around. Getting skinny isnt' going to make my father come around. Breaking up with my boyfriend isn't going to make him be the kind of father I want.

But for the first time in my life, there's no one hectoring me to lose weight. My boyfriend is happy with me the way I am. My mother is too upset about things to bother me anymore. I've got friends who love me, no matter what.

So now, it's finally on my terms. There's no one staring back at me in the mirror but me. And it feels really, really different from dieting in the past. Because I'm not letting anyone down but myself now. And when I do those Activity Points, it's only my victory and my hard work. When I eat that handful of stale, gross Tostitos, I'm not screwing anyone but myself.

It feels really fucking good to get my dad out of the equation. But did it have to take all this pain to get to this point?

I know they'll always be that part of me that wants to be thin for him. I have a fantasy (cue the Lifetime network) that he'll show up at my wedding and see me at my ideal weight, looking radiant and fit, and sob and break down. Then I think about how differnt he'd treat me if I was heavier and I get mad.

And here's the other thing: I'm scared. I've blamed so many of my problems on my dad, weight and others. Now that he's not speaking to me... I guess I've lost that crutch.

So it goes. Paging Dr. Freud...

Anyhoo.

So I'm attempting my first Bikram yoga class tonight. It sounds so horrible. A bunch of stinking, sweaty, fitness obsessed psychos stuffed in an overheated, carpeted room. People gulping down gallons of water, stripping down to their underwear. Eww....

Yet, I'm intrigued. How horrible can something be? It's like watching a car crash. Wait... like being in a car crash? This must be some key insight to my personality. Some websites say that Bikram "hot" yoga burns 400-1200 calories for each 90 minute session. That would mean a lot more Activity Points than the 4 that you get from just 90 minutes of yoga, according to WW online.

But fuck it. I can't be obsessing. Four APs is a lot, frankly. And if more calories are burned, fine. It's better to accidentally underguess the APs then the food, right?

I'll keep you all posted.

Baby steps, yo. The baby-est of steps...

2006-11-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

Feeling a lot better although my sleep has been totally out of whack.

So, it's been about a month on the WW. Here are my thoughts:

THE GOOD
1) I've cut out a ton of sugar from my diet. When I realized what a point-suck they were, the idea of scarfing down that bag of Skittles seemed absurd.
2) I've got more energy. See 1)
3) I'm in a better mood. See 1)
4) I'm more optimistic about solving/dealing with/coming to terms with future problems, like my parents, my somewhat inert fiction writing career, my job, money etc... After all, my weight has always been my Achilles heel. If I can get it under control, I can tackle most anything... I think...
5) And of course... the physical changes. Losing seven pounds is a sizeable amount of weight. If someone threw a 7 lb weight at your head, a serious neck injury could result. Still, it seems like a drop in the bucket when you've got 30 lbs to go. Still, my face looks less puffy. My tummy is pooching less over my jeans. Somewhat less muffin-topping. I've gone a "smaller" notch on my belt. My arms are less gelatinous (although I think that's due to the yoga).
6) The handy online aspect of it. I HATE going to meetings. Getting weighed in front of people makes me feel like an elephant at the zoo.

THE ANXIETY INDUCING
1) What if I plateau at 176 (for example)? How will I cope?
2) The hours between lunch and dinner are hard. I'm still eating snacky (I gave away my box of 100 Calorie Oreo Thin Crisps because while they were less sugar and fat and points than a handful of cookies, they're still sort of waste of 2 points. And I need those 2 points at the end of the day, you know?
3) Eating out. It's just stressful. For myriad reasons. Also having others cook for me. Slightly less stressful. But still.
4) Being on a diet. Having others notice. I know I should think, "Who the hell cares? The whole world is on a diet!" But it bothers me. It makes me feel like I've failed at eating like a normal human and now I have to be on a regimen...
5) Lunch. Frozen food, Subway subs and salads. And soup. It gets a little boring...

So. The good CLEARLY outweighs the bad or weird. I'm going to KEEP on with the Weight Watchers. And just deal with all my jittery nervousness. It's hard to explain...

2006-11-08T08:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a great big, huge, suckpile.

Work was frustrating, people were frustrating, I sent an email I shouldn't have to a coworker and now things are "awkward." Ugh!

But even with the martini I had with my work pal, I still managed to come in at 24 points, without going over for the day. I made myself a delish dinner of TBLT (that's a turkey bacon BLT) and Skinny Cow flying saucer. I didn't have lettuce, so I guess it was a TBT.

2 slices reduced calories bread = 1 pt
3 slices turkey bacon = 2 points
1/2 tbsp light mayo = .5 points
tomato = 0 points
blop of Dijonnaise = 0 points

3.5 points. Not bad and pretty tasty. Next time I'm gonna add two pieces of turkey for a TBTLT.

Boyfriend stayed up to listen to the election results but I passed out at 10:45pm with my face in my book of New York Times Sunday crossword puzzles (incomplete, of course).

Still feeling rotten about talking to my dad but the pain of his constant rejection is less stabby then it used to be. Instead of a sharp knife to the heart, it's more like a ball peen hammer.

I need to put in for some vacation days, stat. I'm fading fast...

Oh, and a tip for mayo lovers. I bought Hellman's Reduced Fat Mayonnaise and I couldn't eat it. It was like gelatinous blah. Really gross. Deal with the 2.5 extra fat grams and use Hellman's Light.

2006-11-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

Too busy at work to post much. I woke up this morning feeling so good. I was wearing my cute new dress from H&M, getting lots of stuff done, being an effective worker, blah, blah.

And then I call my house (instead of leaving a message on my mom's cell phone) and my father picks up. And he's cold and gross to me. And my day is ruined.

I haven't spoken to the man in two months. We haven't shared more than a paragraph in the last year. He's so cruel and hurtful. God, my feelings are so hurt, I feel terrible.

Sigh. Back to work.

2006-11-06T07:56:00.000-05:00

WAH! No loss this week...

Well, more specifically, I moved the scale into the light and it said 187 (+.5 from last week.) Then, since my apartment is so slanty, I moved it back to where it was when I weighed myself last week (hello, OCD) and it said 186.5, (the same as last week). So I split the difference and entered in that I gained .3 lbs from last week. Which isn't bad, considering it was Halloween, the most deadly of holidays.

So I gained .3 lbs. What is that? Water? A ball of rice? Bah...

I know it's no big deal. I've lost about six pounds in a month, that's really good. And my boyfriend made sort of a fatty meal (meat loaf and mashed potatoes) last night (we had a million people over to watch the Pats/Colts game on TV, woo-hoo...) that I could hardly figure out the points value. Sigh.

I didn't want to eat the meat loaf and potatoes. But I didn't want to call attention to myself in front of all of my boyfriend's friends. So embarassing to be on diet sometimes...

I'm not going to give up. This is but a small bump in the road. But I'm a little disappointed. Suddenly the road to 153 lbs seems a lot looooooonger than before.

Harrumph.

2006-11-03T10:50:00.000-05:00

Dag! This is so sad. RIP, Adrienne Shelly. The Unbelievable Truth is one of my favorite movies. I'm going to put Trust on my Netflix. I haven't seen that movie in years...

My friend emailed me to tell me that she died. She totally reminded me that Sassy always loved Adrienne Shelly. She was so quirky and oddball-ish and gorgeous.

It's funny how much Sassy magazine influenced my taste in movies and books during my junior high and high school days. Without Sassy, I might not have ever heard of Hal Hartley, Lynda Barry, Phoebe Gloeckner, The Replacements, and countless other things.

2006-11-03T07:50:00.000-05:00

Had to work late last night, didn't get to yoga. Which was frustrating because I'd gone a few points over for the day and wanted to swap them for exercise points. Sigh. Still, I worked from from 7am-7pm, so I treated myself to sushi at Samurai. It was pricey ($23, with tip) but soooo good.

On a positive note, it could be my blurry mirror or my demented optimism, but could swear I'm muffin-topping somewhat less out of my size 32 Diesel jeans. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I swear, the waistband isn't cutting into my internal organs and my legs don't look like a pair of Jimmy Deans links quite as much as they did a month ago.

I'm going home to see my grandmother in the nursing home on Sunday. It's beyond depressing to see my glamorous Manhattan living, Saks Fifth Avenue shopping, Benson and Hedges with a crystal ashtray, classy, witty grandmother (she used to look a lot like this) there but seeing her is great, even if she can't verbally respond to me anymore (she's had a bunch of strokes). She recognizes me and that's enough.

Still, my relationship with my mother is pretty awkward (she hates that my boyfriend, whom I live with and will become engaged to next year, most likely, isn't Jewish) and I live in fear that my father will show up (I haven't spoken to him in months.) Stressful, stressful. But I'm actually sort of dead inside about it. There's nothing I can do anymore but live my life, blah, blah...

And of course, there's that part of me that doesn't want my father to see me until I lose the weight but that part of me will always be there. In a perfect world, he'd love me unconditionally... cue the freakin' violins...

Otherwise, tired, in need of a lot of sleep and some vacation days. Supposed to have a drink with coworker friend tonight. Should go to yoga instead but tonight's teacher is too mellow, even for unflexible, stiff as a board me.

Okay. Game face... ON!

2006-11-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

This is apropos of nothing but being a bit of a beauty junkie (I used to work at a magazine got lots of stuff for -- now I have to pay for it) I thought I'd list some of my favorite purchases these last few weeks. Not like I'm compensating or anything:

Note: I'm linking to Sephora but feel free to look elsewhere...

Smith's Minted Rose Lip Balm - $7 - Smells good, feels good, a lotta balm. Note: the balm is actually a lot more orange than appears in the photo.

DiorShow Gloss # 715 - $26 - Absurdly overpriced. But so gorgeous. Sparkly and sexy, for real, check it out for a special occasion. Different from other lip glosses, it's actually pretty unique. Maybe save your change for a week and buy it...

Sephora Lip Gloss Pencil - $10 - Pretty, a bit of sparkle. A fat pencil, nice feel.

Stila All Over Glow - $28 - Stila's stuff is so pretty and also really, really expensive. But this one has two full sized products in one, a pretty pink blush and a nice highlighter, good for cheeks and eyes. I like it!

Pout Lip Gloss - $16 - I like the idiotically named "Ice My Buns" a scary pink that is actually quite lovely on the lips. Not too sticky and actually stays on for a while .

Carol's Daughter's Lemon & Rose Hand Cream - $18 - I love this company. I've been buying their stuff when they were just a boutique in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. Check out their online store, I think they might offer more items than at Sephora. Great quality. Smells AMAZING!

That's all... it all distracts me from thinking about food...

2006-11-02T07:40:00.000-05:00

Is there anything worse in the whole world (besides world hunger, famine, poverty, etc...) than when you try to wash a pill down without water and it gets stuck in your esophogus? Holy shit, so uncomfortable! And it happened last night at @ 6pm and I still feel it!

Anyhoo, it's only 7:30am and I already screwed up. Confusing VitaMuffin Tops with VitaMuffins, I ate two for breafast, thinking that the muffin itself was 100 calories. Wrong-o! First of all, the box says "100 Calories, per two oz. serving." This is a small muffin, people. It didn't look like 4 oz. Anyway you do the math... So now I've inhaled 7.5 points. Oh well. Live and learn. Still, screw you, Vitalicious! They were tasty though...

Felt a little lousy last night but met my pal Sarah for dinner last night and I was cheered up and felt better. Candy instead of food does not make a happy me. I had beef and broccoli (around 1 3/4 cups, I dabbed off some of the oyster sauce, around 8 points, I think, with a tiny bit of rice) and I felt much better.

Fell asleep last night at 11:15pm and sprung wide awake at 2am. Dang. So I hauled my ass to the couch and listened to the Simpsons commentary to help me fall askeep. Listening to Matt Groening talk about Ralph Wiggum helps Fiona go sleepy. So asleep at 3:30am, up at 6:15am. I think I'll crash in about... now... zzz...

I have to stay later and edit but going to try to make it to yoga tonight. I'm going to try to try.

2006-11-01T09:25:00.000-05:00

The Halloween verdict? Bad, but not disasterous. I kept within my daily WW points (goddamn you M & Ms) but went over when I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend, now friend.

Dinner at Supper was delicious, although I wasn't crazy about my entree, which made it easier to only eat half. Still between the pasta and the salad, which had yummy dressing and lots of it, I guessitmated the meal put me 10 points over my daily limit. That's what flex points are there for, right?

I don't love using them but I don't eat out or order in nearly as much anymore so it's hard for me to just order a salad when I go out. Still, I made it through Halloween. And that's something. And it still doesn't compare to the Tostios incident of last week (16 points! I still can't get over it...)

So the dinner was good but seeing my ex was... weird. I'm very happy in my present relationship. I'm a much more confident and less insane person than I was when I dated the ex, who was sort of an asshole to me when we dated and totally put my heart in the Cuisinart and pressed Frappe when I was in my early 20's. He was talking about his issues with commitment and stuff and I was giving some advice and encouragement and suddenly I felt sort of small and stupid, sort of like when we were dating. And I didn't like that feeling at all. It's hard to explain... He's a nice guy, he was just a terrible boyfriend. But I'd forgotten how awful he could make me feel, even with just a gesture. Ugh...

And finally, I gave my boyfriend a haircut last night. The less said about that, the better. I'd like to go on record saying that I was doing an excellent job until he got all territorial, took the scissors away and started doing the top himself. Harrumph.

It doesn't look that bad, considering my only practice has been on my split ends. And Barbie. Poor dumb Barbie.

Today:

WW Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffin = 3 points

Lunch = something frozen = at most 6 points

Dinner = something tasty but healthy with my pal S.

They cleaned out the fridge at work which is probably for the best. It REEKED in there. But they threw out my string cheese and Dannon Light N'Free Smoothie. Oh well, back to the Stupidmarket.

oxox,
FK

-My friend is helping me with the site. It's going to look real nice, real soon.

2006-10-31T12:54:00.000-05:00

Tasty things that are actually tasty:

Fiona's Thanksgiving Sandy-wich

2 slices reduced cal bread (or one slice regular bread)
1 Laughing Cow Light Swiss Cheese
1 dollop grape jelly (I use Smucker's Lower Sugar)
3 slices 98% fat free turkey
Dijon mustard

= Around 4 points

For an extra 2 points, use half a toasted bagel instead.

Fiona's ChocoCheeno

One packet fat-free hot chocolate
Healthy dollop, Cool Whip Free

= 1 point

Skinny Cow Sugar Free Fudge Bars

=2 points

They're more substantial than the 1-point Weight Watchers Giant Fudge Bar (which has one point but sort of like eating chocolate-y air. I'm trying to cut down on my sugar and up my fiber, make the Skinny Cow a better, yummier choice). I feel like a 1-point frozen chocolate bar defeats the purpose. It should be a treat. That's just my opinion...

Better-than-Hemlock-Greek Yogurt Snacky

1 5.3 oz container (or a full cup) of FAGE Total 0% Fat Free yogurt
1 tbsp honey (any kind)

= about 2 points

1 point version: substitute a Splenda and a dash of vanilla instead of the honey.

Let's-Play-Pretend Chocolate Melty Cake

One Weight Watchers Chocolate Chocolate Chip muffin
One healthy dollop of Cool Whip Free

Cut muffin in half. Pop in toaster (2 minutes) or microwave (30 seconds). Dollop with Cool Whip Free.

= 3 points

You could drizzle some kind of sugar free chocolate sauce on, but I can't keep stuff like that in the house. I'm trying to limit my intake of fake sugar to the occasional dollop of Cool Whip Free and Crystal Light. And of course, Skinny Cow Sugar Free fudge bars.

2006-10-31T10:10:00.000-05:00

A Haiku

Office Halloween Party

I can ignore Peeps,
pumpkin breads, Skittles, cupcakes.
Warm cookies, my downfall.

I have yet to venture over to my boss's office, where everyone is eating their faces off. It's not even 10:30 am people! Who am I to judge? Last year I would have been stuffing my pockets with black and orange M & Ms, sadly.

Went to yoga, my third day in a row. Have a certain stabby stiffness in my shoulders, sign to take a 2 day break. Definitely enjoying it a lot more, still hating the chanting and the "your practicing this pose helps others in the world" stuff. I wish I was more flexible. When I have to bend down and touch my toes, I feel like i'm back in high school, still out of shape totally stiff.

I've got a bit of adolescent gym-class trauma...

Heading over to Filene's Basement after work for some new sheets (THRILLING!) and then meeting my ex-boyfriend for our mutual birthday dinners. Mine was two weeks ago, his is in two weeks. I never thought he and I would be friends but somehow it happened. He's still cute and all but I sort of can't believe I uttered the words, "I'll die without you," to him. Crazy.

Also cool, former, ahem, gentlemen admirer of mine sent me this and had Harvey Pekar, Kim Deitch and David Heatley autograph it! Even though my name is spelled wrong (To Feiona), it's the thought that counts and really, a lovely present considering I never put out for this guy. No ahem needed.

So. Resisting Halloween junk. Being productive. Staying OFF THE SCALE until Monday. Carry on...

2006-10-30T08:58:00.000-05:00

I've lost 6.5 pounds! I'm quite sure two or three of them were PMS water weight but still! That's a lot for two weeks. Probably too much, but fuck it!

So, Oct. 30: 186 lbs.

Want to know something sad? When I first started WW online, I guesstimated my weight at 185 lbs. Then, the next week, I got on the scale and got the shock of my life: 192.5lbs. AIEEEEE! So now, three weeks later, I'm back down to what I thought I was. Almost. Sheesh. Fine progress but SO MUCH more to go!

Getting back on the scale is hard. I've had the same scale since I'm 15 yrs old and each weight has some significant (good and bad meaning)

105lbs: I' m 10 yrs old and 5'3. I've already got boobs and my period. Horror. My gym teacher weighs me and I'm ashamed because my classmates are all flat-chested and 75lbs. "Is 105lbs a lot?" I ask. "It's not a little," she replies.

140lbs: Summer sleepaway camp. My bunkmates have been swiping each others health cards from the infirmary to see what the others weigh. My chubby secret is out. I also have a perm and braces but that's my own fault.

160 lbs: Ninth grade, another weigh in. My mother starts to keep less and less food in the house. My friends come over to hang out and complain that all I have in my fridge is condiments. I learn to loathe hard pretzels, the one "junk" food my mother allows me and my father, who went from being heavy to a weight-loss fanatic. My mother is a secret anorexic. She just wants me to be healthy, I think. My father, however, is becoming more and more tyrannical by the day.

175 lbs: My parents spot me and my boyfriend eating brunch in a diner. Later that day, my mother tells me that girls who want to lose weight shouldn't eat eggs and potatos. She says that she and my father are furious with me. This is in front of my boyfriend. This is an all too common theme in high school, one that is actually too painful to recount here. Let's just say that "fat load" and "pathetic" are not nice things to say to your daughter.

177.5 lbs: My father, who has retired and has more time on his hands to scrutinize me, has deemed me grotesquely overweight. He marches me to my pediatrician. He's measures me and says that I've grown another inch, 5'7. He tells my dad to calm down and suggests Weight Watchers.

168 lbs: First day of college. My boyfriend is at Harvard, a half hour away. How will I manage the loneliness of college? Lots and lots of cookies from the dining hall!

??? lbs: Sophomore year, winter break. Depressed and heavy, my father attempts to pull me out of college because I've let myself go and cannot be trusted to be away at school. This is true. I've also made Dean's List that semester and met the creative wrting teacher that would change my life. He stands over me and makes me write out a letter saying that i'm withdrawing from college. BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT, PEOPLE. My now-exboyfriend, the one that goes to Harvard, who's always thought my dad was an asshole, tells me that he's getting me out of the house. Hours before I run away from home and beg the college to take me back, my father apologizes. All is well. I've learned a lesson. Lose weight or dad goes crazy.

166 lbs: A few months later. Working out constantly, I drop 15ish pounds and have to buy new clothes. I buy size 10s and throw away all my 12s. My chubbier friends are pissed at me because I talk non-stop about my weight. My father sees me and analyzes me. He's still not so impressed. I begin taking water pills, blah blah. I faint on my way to the gym. I wake up in a field of grass and then work out.

155 lbs: Skinny! For me! My college roommate and I throw a party and I'm surrounded by boys! I make out with a differnt cutie every night. I feel like I've ben given a passport to a new world. My roommate is anorexic and eats nothing but brussels spouts and fat free cheese and cigarettes. I adopt these vile habits. I start dating JL and my weight starts to climb again. Bong hits will do that...

164lbs: My college graduation day. I feel like a fat cow. When I look at photos now, I realize that I probably looked the best I'll ever look. Even my father said I looked beautiful.

176 lbs: Graduate school. The worst depression of my life. I don't remember going to class. I cry constantly. I've got a ringing bell in my head, I stay up everynight until 4am, worrying that my parents are going to die and then spend the rest of the day in bed, eating delivery bagels and watching the Food Network. Finally, a boyfriend comes back after leaving me for three days to find me in the same position, the same clothes. "Maybe you'd feel better if you took a shower," he gently suggests. "Maybe YOU'd feel better if I took a shower," I snap at him. He walks me down to Student Mental Health services where they say I'm too far gone for their kind of help and hand me over to Kathy, a therapist who talks exactly like my mother.

179 lbs: I'm freelance factchecking at a fancy music magazine (let's calling Rolling Bones). When i come home that night my boyfriend feels lump on my neck. It's a tumor, non-malignant but it needs surgery. My parents insist on coming with me to meet with the surgeon and my father tells me that I look terrible and it's no wonder no one will hire me. He's telling me this while I'm waiting to hear from a surgeon whether I'll need surgery. The doctor tells him off. I want to kiss the doctor.

174 lbs: I give up. Depression is killing me. I go on Effexor. This will begin very intereting phase in my life.

162 lbs: Effexor makes everything better! I hardly eat at all! All I do is cry because my boyfriend and I broke up and sleep around. Actually, the sleeping around is sort of great.

158 lbs: I commit acts illegal in many states. I discover that I have no feelings. I begin to think that Effexor is not quite the drug I thought it was. I feel unhinged.

163 lbs: My brother's wedding. My father barely looks at me, talks to me. Why does he hate me so much. I look at photos later and am stunned to see that I look fine. The bridesmaid's dress, hideous, but I look fine.

167 lbs: My long distance boyfriend has come and gone. I've started smoking pot again to deal with the fact that Effexor is no longer working. I fall in love with TW, my boyfriend. Let the eating commence. I switch to Zoloft. My desire to leap from ledges wanes. My feeling okay eating a bag of Sun Chips increases.

172 lbs: It's just water weight.

176 lbs: It's just water weight.

183 lbs: It's just water weight. And the Zoloft.

187 lbs: It's just water weight. And the stress of not speaking to my father, who is furious at me for dating a non-Jew. And the Zoloft.

192.5: It's just water weight. And the stress of not speaking to my father, who is furious at me for dating a non-Jew. And the Zoloft. And I'm fat...

So...

Back on the scale. A long way to go. But I'm not doing this for my father (even though I think I'll always be doing this for my father, the jerk). I'm doing this for me. There's no one standing over me. There's no one yelling.

I can get back 155 lbs. I don't care how long it takes. I really don't. I just don't want to go through this up and down anymore. Because my heart can't take it, most physically and metaphorically.

6.5 pounds. 31 to go...

2006-10-27T13:05:00.000-04:00

And have I mentioned that my office is having a Halloween party next week? A bakeoff?

I am more afraid of this party than I am of bird flu. Which I'm not that afraid of, but still! So much chocolate and cake and cookies... boo! And uh, boo!

2006-10-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

The heat is on... in my apartment! Ah, the steaminess...

Last night was hard. Eating in New York City is difficult because when you're even having a small portion of something fancy, you don't have a clue what you're actually eating.

For example. Last night I ate at this yummy noodle place, and ordered the brussels sprouts with bacon in kimchee sauce. There was only five or six smallish pieces of bacon and 15 brussels sprouts. Seems healthy-ish. But what kind of oil was used? Sesame? Olive? Peanut? How much? I know some people are psycho and grill their waiters (no pun intended) but I feel kind of gauche when I do that in a fancy place. Which is silly. Because if getting down to a healthy weight is important to me, I should ask, blah, blah...

But I hate people like that. I hear them in restaurants and I cringe, "What's in that? Is that olive oil? Is sauteed another word for fried? Can you make that light on the oil, more vegetables, I have allergies, etc..." When I hear people like that, I just want to shout, "Just eat at home! The world is not your personal chef!"

So it's hard. I'm not a planner by nature. I'm a binge-eating, stick anything nailed down into my face, kind of person. But I think I need to get better about this.

Tonight I shall head to yoga. The teacher is a bit of a cornflake and it's a bit basic, even for inflexible me, but it's better than sitting on the couch eating Crisco out of the can.

Have I mentioned that I've quit smoking? Can I mention that it sucks so bad?

2006-10-26T13:07:00.000-04:00

I know every healthy food blogger/person knows that Amy's Organic are mostly great but you know what? I've been burned by frozen food: I can recall the WW Swedish Meatballs affair of last week: soggy noodes, frozen balls of meat-like product. Ew. And gross!

But I must say that Amy's Mattar Paneer is fucking delicious and spicy and tasty and reasonably filling for 6 points! No, it's not the same as hoovering up an entire order of samosas, nan, rice and tikka masala but... that's what got me in the fatty bag in the first place.

Also tasty and must be tried: Amy's Tamale Pie. Two points! That's the same as a piece of string cheese! Or two fucking Tostitos.

I'm also on a budget crunch so frozen food has become my friend. I'm also going to pick up some WW chocolate muffins for breakfast. High fiber cereal depresses me this week.

Lots of plans with friends this week which is good for morale but bad for my working out schedule. I'd like to get back into yoga twice a week and gym twice a week. More goals... Zzzz....

2006-10-26T09:42:00.000-04:00

I am never, ever buying Tostitos again. I knew just by buying them for company I was sabotaging myself but... well, that's pretty much it for that thought. Still, four handfuls and boom, 16 points! HORRIFYING! I had a cache of flex points to use but shit, what a waste. And I woke up feeling bloated and crabby. Never, ever again...

So it's austerity until Sunday. Ah, to have a monklike life.

Speaking of austere, my landlord finally turned the heat on for an hour last night. Then it was gone. Talk about a cock tease. Luckily, my crafty boyfriend fashioned me a hot water bottle out of an plastic bottle filled with hot tap water and a woolen sock. Such a McGyver! And a good idea for chilly nights.

So I'm NOT going to let myself get depressed over the Tostitos incident. I will learn from it. And again, it's not like I ate the entire bag, which would have been truly disasterous and not unlike the Fiona of two weeks ago.

The beer was good though.

And on a final note, yesterday morning, I saw a man on a bike get hit by a car. He was okay, just shaken up, probably some bumps and bruises. It's funny to me (not that he was hit, I'm not that sick) that most NYCers detest people on bikes but they hate drivers more. The driver, a grade A doofus, looked like he was going to cry and the angry mob looked like they were going lynch him. Interesting to me, since these same angry pedestrians would have probably tax-cab-doored the guy on his bike ten minutes earlier... Oops!

That could have been a lot more coherent.

Off to a meeting with the Inconsistent Boss. You know, "Hurry up, get this done! Wait, don't worry, plenty of time!"

And a final note: 80's nostalgia has hit me in a whole new way. I am now drinking Crystal Light in order to get my 60oz of water a day. Yay for lo-cal! Nay to rats with cancer!

2006-10-25T14:35:00.000-04:00

I'm crabby because I just had a ridiculous talk with my landlord which was too absurd for words...

So I'm hungry but I don't wanna eat since I already had my Subway lunch. More water, more water...

I also started on the birth control pill. People think I'm insane for being 29 and never being on the Pill before but condoms always worked for me and my boyfriends. They're so sleazy... I love sleazy. So now I'm on Yaz (no, not the early 80's Brit Pop band), but the new low-dose Pill. I wonder what the side effects will be.

Smooches,
FK

2006-10-25T12:15:00.000-04:00

O, shitty Brooklyn living! Our charming landlords hadn't gotten around to turning on the heat last night and our apartment was so cold, my lips were blue. My boyfriend convinced me to take a bath to warm up. Now, I'm a bit of a bath snob, sure, but for reals, our bathtub is gross. Words can't describe how icky my bathroom is. It's the size of an extra large coffin and just as cozy.

So I finally sink down into the warm water with my book, my neck catching on the jagged edge of the tub, when our neighbor comes knocking, freaking out because water is dripping in through her light fixtures. Great!!!!!!! And when I hopped out of the tub, I saw a huge cockroach on the wall. So Kafkaesque! (am I melodramatic enough?) So now another complaint to the landlords. Our backs are sort of againt the wall: a $1400 rent in Williamsburg, Brooklyn is pretty reasonable. But shouldn't a gal have heat????

Will have Subway for lunch today. Watching Series tonight, will try to munch on healthy crap rather than typical sporty snacky. I could be imaginative and try to cook up Healthy World Series snacks for our company, but fuck that, I've got a massage appointment at 5:30pm and then therapy. People can eat carrot sticks dipped in hummus or go fuck themselves.

Am I a homemaker or what?

2006-10-24T12:05:00.000-04:00

And wouldn't you know it... two office birthday cakes @ 1pm! Wheee! Ugh, it sucks. What fun to just stand in the background clapping like a seal while everyone scarfs down cake from the Little Pie Company...

Stupid fucking cake. I guess it could be worse. I'd take a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies over store bought cake any day. So I guess I'll save myself for that.. still, everyone in my office is on some kind of a diet (I know because THAT'S ALL PEOPLE EVER talk about!) so why must they foist cake on people?

Maybe I'm just bitter because no one remembered my birthday (cue the violins) until a week later and I got a half-hearted "Oops" cake... which wasn't all that good. Dry, crummy but delish icing. I ate a lot of the icing...

Back to work...

2006-10-24T09:41:00.000-04:00

You know that cliche about no such thing as too much of a good thing? Well, add Cool Whip Free to that list. Cranky, crampy and still hungry from my overpriced, underportioned sushi dinner last night (in the words of Flav, "You want $25 for what?") I ate too much frozen Cool Whip Free and felt ill, ill, ill. I got in bed, snapped at my boyfriend (who is very sweet) and passed out, furious at my creepy landlord for not turning on the heat. Three blankets, people. Our little apartment in Williamsburg is suddenly Frontier House.

This morning, I couldn't bear the thought of eating any more Fiber One cereal (re: Colon Blow) so I got my beloved hi-cal fat free muffin. And i'm so glad I did. I need some breakfast suggestions that:

*Don't involve dairy (I must face facts, dairy and I are not friends. Milk is for coffee, that is all)
*Don't involve toasting (there is no toaster at work, only an overworked microwave. I leave the house about ten minutes after I wake up, so no time to cook there)
*Under 5 points. (Because if you're only half conscious when you eat it, it isn't worth eating anything more than 5 points)

All ideas, welcome!

Haven't weighed myself this week (I know, for shame) but honestly, weighing yourself on the second day of your ladydot, after a week of hard work? Not helpful. So I wrote down the same weight as my starting weight (I'm doing the online version) and hoping for something good next week.

Here are some foods that are helping me:
Fat free hot cocoa with a dollop of Cool Whip Free - 2 points (although I looked at the ingredients and got sort of weirded out--how can something with hydrogenated oils have no fat? Alien food...)
South Beach Diet Pizzas - Around 7 points - Tastes like actual crappy bad for you pizza, just a teench smaller! People crow on about how they stay crispy in the microwave but that's not my experience. Still, pretty tasty!
Apples, Frozen grapes - 1-2 points - Frozen grapes are the Rachael Ray of diet ideas. Crunchy! Cool! Yummo! Filling! While I detest concepts like these, frozen grapes are great to stuff into your face hole while watching TV.
1-Point Baked Apple. - Also good, slice an apple, nuke for 15 seconds, spray with butter sub and cinnamon and Splenda (sort of gak worthy but actually not so bad) and voila.
South Beach Diet Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies - 2 points Good snacky.

In closing, I have radically upped my fiber intake this past week, with little, ahem, result. This is sort of alarming. I'll leave it to your imagination as to why...

2006-10-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm on week 2 of Weight Watchers, that's Weight Watchers take 5 for me.

I did it once in high school (success!), once in college (success) and twice more since (failure, failure). But two weeks ago, after seeing photos from my friend's wedding, looking like a beach ball in high heels, wearing a scarf of neck fat, I got up the courage and weighed myself. And, as most gals like me do, I gasped, GASPED as what I saw.

192 pounds. Uh, what?! I mean, WHAT??!!

After breathing into a paper bag for a while and allotting myself 30 minutes of intense self-loathing ("I'm so fat, I'm so worthless, how could I do this to myself, I spent so long losing it, I suck, I don't deserve to live, etc...) I thought a lot about the concept of:

MAGICAL THINKING.

No, I'm not talking about Marquez or Hogwarts, thank you. I'm talking about my strange beliefs--beliefs not at all rooted in reality that govern my atrocious eating habits:

I only lose weight in the fall.
My very low dose of Zoloft is making me puffy.
My size 32 Seven jeans have shrunk in the wash!
The quality of the zipper on my size 32 jeans is bad! That's why it broke.
Once I fix my bad relationship with my parents, I'll magically lose weight.
Sure, the SCALE says I've gained weight. But I look fine!

After some serious yo-yoing my whole life, in 2004, I finally got down to 159 lbs and holding. That's a solid 8/10 on my 5'7 frame. Then through a breakup, a new relationship, a nightmarish falling out with my parents, a new job, a promotion, a new apartment and moving in with my boyfriend, I rationalized, I denied, I saw cockeyed, I ate and ate and ate my way, though the 160s, 170's, 180's until last week, I stood upon the scale, my gut hanging over my I-don't-dare-wash them jeans and I realized. This must stop.

Because I see my future and it is obese. I've got some large relatives, people. Relatives with diabetes, high blood pressure and cancer. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to need lap bands, or beta blockers. I don't want to shop in Lane Bryant (NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, for goodness sake. I just mean for me...)

I want to be a healthy weight, the weight that that I was in 2004. You know, when I was whining about what a fatty I was... sheesh, that will show me...

So I'm on week 2 of Weight Watchers. Counting points like a schnook. Realizing how much junk I eat in secret, in the dark. So depressing.

This is it, people. I'm going to lose 35 lbs. I don't care how long it takes. It's going to take my entire life, frankly.

Cool Whip Free is the new eating packets of sugar. An apple is new the second massive helping of pasta.

Good-bye, fat. It was fun hanging out with you but like all company, after too long, you stink...